there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize