did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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