I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
