Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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