I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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