I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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