when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
