There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
