I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
