my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize