I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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