can u get pink eye on your cock?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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