his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
