No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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