So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
