Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
