I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
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Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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