So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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