I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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