i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
