Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
