Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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