my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
