i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
