He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
