I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
