Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
