I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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