I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
