If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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