Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
