i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he thought i was a dude.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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