The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
