I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
