um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
