oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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