That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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