I smell stomach acid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
