The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
