You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
