just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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