how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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