Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
