I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
they're like a gay fantastic four
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
