I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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