grandma shit on top of the toilet
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
