Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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