Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
