I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."