this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
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My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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