How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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