he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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