where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
