I want to have your abortion
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
