no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
