I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
