he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
